Letters from Christians

That was the title renowned athetist Madelyn Murray O’Hair suggested for her collected hate mail. Me, I haven’t written a word about Jesus Christ. But judging from my recent criticism of “American Idol” finalist David Archuleta, you’d think I’d gone and hammered the nails right into Jesus’ hands. I provide a sample of my correspondence over the last few days. I love America.

Dear Louis Bayard,

I am writing regarding your article about American Idol at Salon.com.

Your article was extremely harsh and hateful sounding. David is a human being ... someone’s son, not an android. You have written about your charming-sounding son with great affection. If someone referred to your son as an android, I am sure that you would be offended. In time you will have the opportunity to support your son in his endeavors...you, too, will be judged.

I think you need to apologize or edit your article right away. it is rude and offensive.

C. Slist

Hey, C. Here’s the problem with critics. They have opinions. Sorry, man. You also need to sue Craig’s List for copyright infringement.

You are a very mean man L.B.

bad bad bad man

Buddy Boyd

Highest number of “b” words in the smallest amount of space. Congratulations.

I wonder what people will say about your sons, Louis Bayard?

Tad Small

Um … that they didn’t need a bunch of strangers to fix their booboos for them?

Louis Bayard, I am so angry with you for the rotten article you wrote about American Idol runner up David Archuleta! You are cruel. David Cook has no credibility as a rocker---a rocker who actually goes on American Idol? Give me a break! By the way, cute piece about your son. I wonder how much talent your sons have...bet they are whiny spoiled sarcastic mean selfish brats...and you are jealous that you couldn’t produce a nice, moral, decent son like David Archuleta. By the way, my gay friends (male) call you a bitchy old queen! So there, Mr. Know-It-All bigshot. Phooey!

J. Tarrington

“Phooey”? Them’s fighting words. And as for the “bitchy old queen,” define “old.” And what do your gay friends (female) say?

Ehhh.....

So my 7-year-old son came home the other day and said: “Papa, do you have a five-pack?”
“You mean a six-pack?” I asked.
“That’s it.”
“You mean like … a six-pack stomach?”
“Yeah.”
God knows what possessed me, but in the next moment, I was lifting my shirt (taking care, of course, to suck in my gut). Seth studied it a good long while and then said:
“Ehh.”
And as he said it, he made that little wiggling motion with the hand. I didn’t even know he knew this gesture, but I sure as hell know this. As a physical specimen, I am seriously lacking. In the last few days alone, my son has told me:
1) My teeth are too yellow.
2) My face is too wrinkled.
3) My stomach (in addition to being a two-and-a-half-pack) is too hairy.
If I were dating him, I think I would have broken it off by now. Instead, I’m starting to consider plastic surgery.
And the good news is this. If I ever do go under the knife for purely esthetic reasons, someone stands ready to explain the situation to my kids. According to a Washington Post article (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/18/AR2008041802861.html), a South Florida plastic surgeon has put out a children’s book called “My Beautiful Mommy,” which explains why “Mommy,” in the interests of lookin’ good, goes away with one nose and comes back with another.
But why stop there? How about “Mommy’s Face Doesn’t Move”? “My Daddy Can’t Frown”? “If Mommy Gets One More Lift, She’ll Have Daddy’s Beard”? “Papa Used to Have a Gut, and Now He’s Strangely Ripped (But Only for the Next Year or So).”
Bring it on. I’ll be ready with a whole line of counter-propaganda. “Mommy Is Plump Because of You.” “Daddy Drinks Because of You.” And (this is the book I’ll write myself): “In Thirty Years, Your Teeth Will Be Yellow, Too. Repeat After Me. Ha. Ha. Ha.”